


I Survived.

by HeyK47



Category: The Maze Runner (Movies), the maze runner
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Depression, Happy Ending, Heavy Angst, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-07
Updated: 2018-09-07
Packaged: 2019-10-24 12:27:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,583
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17704262
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HeyK47/pseuds/HeyK47
Summary: Newt is having a tough time in the Glade. Nothing feels right and he can't shake his negative thoughts. Eventually those thoughts get the best of him and he makes a decision with permanent consequences. **This is my HC about the time span surrounding Newt's "accident".**





	I Survived.

**Author's Note:**

> If you didn't already read the tag warnings, there are several heavy themes in this work that are potentially triggering to some readers. These themes include heavy angst, descriptions of depression, intrusive negative thoughts, accidental harm, suicidal ideation, and a suicide attempt that results in permanent injury. If these themes are triggering to you in any way, please do not read this work as it is not my intention to trigger anyone on purpose. This work was written as a way for me to deal with my own depression and ideation. Please, if you or someone you know is experiencing depressive, intrusive, or suicidal thoughts, reach out to one of the many organizations out there for help and remember that you are not alone in this world.

                Like the other boys, I don’t remember anything of my life before The Glade. I’ve tried many times, mostly at night when the dark thoughts set in and kept me from sleep. I imagine a life without walls, without a lift that births a new boy every month. The Glade is beautiful, don’t get me wrong, but despite its beauty, I still felt trapped. But, I’m getting ahead of myself.

                My name is Newt. That’s not my birth name though, at least, I don’t think it is. I’m in a beautiful Glade surrounded by miles and miles of stone walls that twist into a new labyrinth every night. We, that is the other boys and I, have begun to call it The Maze and it’s my job as a Runner to run through the twists and turns every day and try to find a way out. I’ve been running The Maze, every day, all day for a few months now. At first, I went in with hope. Maybe we could find a way out and find our families, figure out how we got here, or just…anything. Anything but the monotony of life here.

                It’s nearly time for the doors to close like they do every night and I’ve just finished documenting today’s run. I set my notes aside for the other Runners and George, our leader, to look over later and headed towards the small eating area we’d built. I could smell the food the Frypan, our cook, was just finishing up.

                “That smells wonderful, Fry.” I noted, offering the other boy a warm smile as I took my portion. I sat down with my bowl and began to dig into the meaty stew. It tasted wonderful and stilled the ache of hunger in my belly, which I was mostly grateful for. I glanced up when my friend Alby sat down across from me with his own portion of stew.

                “How was The Maze?” Alby asked before shoveling a spoonful of stew into his mouth.

                “I found a new path, but it was a dead end. Looks like you had a rough day in the Gardens.” I said with a small chuckle as I pointed out the dirt smudged across Alby’s dark face. “You have dirt by your ears, mate.” Alby snorted softly and grinned at me.

                “Yeah, the trellis the Greenie built fell today. I was only _just_ able to save the tomatoes. Most of the grapes were lost, but I have a few plants that I think I can save.” He replied. Alby was typically a Slicer, but right now the Garden’s needed the most help, so he split his days between the two jobs. “George told the Greenie he has to make the trellis work or he’ll be a Slopper.”

                I cast a glance down the table at the newest boy to The Glade. We call all the new boys Greenie until they either proved themselves or a new boy comes up. This particular Greenie had been here for about two weeks and wasn’t really great at any jobs except being a Builder. His name is Gally and he’s both the tallest and the most cross of all of us. I could see him fuming from where I sat, likely because of the fallen trellis. He was pouring over a sheet of paper and frowning, likely trying to figure out how to make the trellis _not_ fall.

                “I’m sure he’ll get it sorted.” I said turning back to Alby and finishing my stew. The night progressed as it usually did, with the other boys joking and unwinding around the fire. I joined in for a little while, until I felt the sinking feeling I always got when the night began to settle down. I bid the other boys good night and headed into The Homestead, where we all slept. I crawled into my hammock and tried to will myself to have pleasant dreams.

                It was silent and dark when I woke up with silent tears streaking my cheeks and sweat soaking my clothes. For just a moment, I remembered something about my past. I remembered my sister.

                “Lizzy.” I breathed out into the still Homestead as new tears sprung to my eyes. The rest of my dream faded away, leaving me with a racing heart and an overwhelming sense of despair. I slipped from my bunk and the Homestead and out into the cool morning. The sun hadn’t even begun to think about rising, but the birds in the trees chirped happily about the coming dawn. I wiped my face and took a deep breath, trying to clear the despair from my soul to no avail.

                “You’re up early.” A voice chirped behind me. I turned to see Minho heading towards me with his usual chipper demeanor.

                “Couldn’t sleep.” I lied.

                “Again?” He asked sympathetically.

                “S’alright.” I replied with a shrug as we walked towards the Map Room to get our running gear.

                “You sure you can run today, Newt?” Minho asked, placing a hand on my shoulder and looking at me with concern.

               It was common for me to go days without sleeping lately. I would try, of course, but it was like my mind just wouldn’t shut off. I kept having intrusive thoughts about how we wouldn’t ever leave this place and how I would die here and never find my real family, never find out who I really am. Those nights, I would spend my time in the Gardens with the plants until I had to go run The Maze. One or two days didn’t have a marked effect on my energy levels anymore, but more than that and I lost both speed and clarity. It had almost gotten me trapped in The Maze more than once and after the second time, George had pulled me aside and made me explain. I had tried my best to convey just how bad my thoughts were effecting my sleep and George had seemed to understand, if only a little. He’d made me promise to tell him if I was too tired to run and so far, I’d been a man of my word and only been made to stay back a few times to rest.

               “It’s just one night. I’m fine. I swear.” I told Minho while giving him a look that I hoped read as confident.

               “You better be, Shuckhead.” He sighed as he released my shoulder and pushed open the door to the Map Room.

               We grabbed our gear and confirmed the routes each of us would be running today before jogging across The Glade and towards the doors that would soon open into The Maze. As we stood waiting on the doors, I took a moment to look back at The Glade as the sun just began to crest over the top of the massive walls that separated us from the labyrinth and the dangers that lurked beyond. This was my favorite time of day; the sunrise. The Glade would go from the midnight blue-black of darkness, to a faint grey-blue, and then, as the sun peeked over the walls, The Glade would be washed in pinks and yellows and reds. It would become alive with the birds and the other boys, who would be just waking up. This moment, each morning, was my one happy thing in an otherwise increasingly sad and grey world. I turned my attention to Minho as the doors opened with a groan of metal and stone and we nodded to each other as we began to jog into The Maze.

               “See ya later, Shank.” Minho said to me before we parted ways and began to run the stone paths of our prison.

 

               The combination of the harsh sun and the heat that the stone held made the day long and taxing. I ran the twists and turns, making notes on anything that had changed, though not much had. The lack of changes left plenty of time for my mind to wander as I ran. The intrusive thoughts were quick to make themselves known and with each step I took, I thought about how pointless this was.

_I’m absolutely mad to think we were ever going to get out of here._

_I’m never going to be free._

_I’ll never see my family again._

_I’ll never see Little Lizzy._

_No one even cares that I’m here._

_They haven’t even come looking for me._

_They’ve forgotten me._

_They didn’t care about me._

_I must not have been good enough._

_Running this maze is pointless._

_I’m going to die in this maze._

_No one would even care if I…_

               I shook my head roughly and stopped running. I had to stop thinking like this. I closed my eyes and took a few steadying breaths before checking my watch and realizing that I needed to head back. I decided to count my steps to keep my mind distracted as I turned and began the trek back to The Glade. I lost count four times before giving up as I ran into The Glade just behind Minho.

               “Hey, you made it.” He greeted me as I jogged up beside him and we headed towards the Map Room to compare notes and work out routes for tomorrow. I nodded and gave him a small smile, but said nothing.

               “You’re a man of many words, Newt.” Minho chided with a grin.

               “Sorry, mate. It’s just been a long boring day and I’m a bit tired.” I replied.

               We finished up in the Map Room just as Frypan called out that dinner was done. Minho began to jog over and looked over his shoulder at me as I began to head towards the Gardens.

               “You coming, Newt?” He asked.

               “I’ll catch up. I told Alby I’d look at the damaged plants and see if anything can be done.” I lied for a second time today.

               “Well hurry up or you’ll get the gruel.” He shouted as he jogged away.

               I wasn’t planning on getting gruel or food of any kind at the moment. Even after running all day, I just simply wasn’t hungry. I hadn’t even eaten my lunch rations, honestly. As I neared the fallen trellis in the Gardens, I observed the new Greenie picking through the smashed plants for all the damaged grapes.

               “Fry’s done cooking, Greenie. You can go get some food.” I spoke, which seemed to startle him.

               “Oh. Thanks.” He said, looking up at me from the dirt. “I was only taking the smashed ones. I want to try making something to drink other than water. I didn’t think anyone would mind.”

               “Better ask George or Nick first, really. Anyway, you should probably figure out how to make this trellis stronger and not be worried about a drink.” I replied. He frowned and his already intense eyebrows furrowed before he stood and left without a word.

               I sighed and knelt down in the dirt to try and salvage any plants Alby had possibly missed. There were two that I thought could be saved and I replanted them with the other salvaged plants, hoping they would survive.

_Shuck knows something in this place has to survive._

_I sure won’t._

               I felt the familiar anchor in my heart as my thoughts turned darker with the night. I knew this would be the beginning of another cycle of sleepless nights. Another fight with the darkness inside me that threatened to consume my soul. A darkness that ate every happy thought and feeling and klunked out despair and emptiness in its wake.

_I’ll never go beyond these walls._

_There’s no point in any of this._

_There is no happiness here for me._

_I have nothing._

_I AM nothing._

_I should just…_

               My mind was brought back to the present as a searing pain emanated from the back of my hand. I looked down and saw a clean slash for a brief moment before it filled with dark blood. My blood. I had slipped and cut my hand open with the trowel I had been using to replant the grapes. I sat back on my heels and stared in morbid fascination as the blood began to well up and spill over the edge of the laceration and run scarlet down my hand until it dripped off my pinky and disappeared into the dirt. It was another longer moment of me staring at my hand before I realized I needed to bandage it. I quickly moved to the water trough and scooped some up in a cup before pouring it over the wound and finally bandaging it with a scrap of cloth I usually kept tied around my wrist. The pain from my hand blurred the thoughts in my head and I realized that it was the first time in a while I’d felt something other than just perpetual numbness. I stared at my now bandaged hand as tears pricked my eyes and the anchor in my heart sunk lower into the abyss.

_I can’t feel anything but pain._

_No. ALL I feel is pain._

_I’m so tired of fighting._

_What am I even fighting for? Some bloody grapes?_

_There’s no shucking point to any of this._

_I should just…_

_I should just…_

               With great difficulty, I tore my eyes away from my injury and spent the rest of the night digging fervently in the garden to keep myself from finishing that nagging thought. By the time I had to get ready to run The Maze, I was in worse shape than ever before. Everything around me seemed darker and blander despite the night fading and the morning beginning to come to The Glade. I stood wordlessly and numb beside Minho at The Doors and waited for them to open. I turned towards the sunrise, as I did every day, but today it was different. The light spilled over the top of the wall and bled across The Glade, but it seemed duller than usual. Suddenly not even the happiest moment in my life could reach my heart to warm it. I stared as the doors opened behind me and realized that I felt nothing. I registered Minho calling me and turned back towards The Maze with a faux smile on my face, assuring him I was fine before we parted ways. But I wasn’t fine. I was numb. I was empty. I was drowning and everyone around me just stood and watched, ignoring my pleas for help.

_No one cares about me._

_Why should they?_

_I’m not worth caring about._

_I’m not worth anything._

_I’m just taking up space and resources._

_I’m not even a good Runner._

_I don’t do anything well._

_I should just…._

               “No!” I shouted out loud at my thoughts. “I will not finish that thought. It’s just another bad cycle. I can make it through this.” I spent the day alternating between fighting with my thoughts and marking some new routes I found. But slowly, I was losing the will to fight. Eventually, well before it was time to turn back, I just stopped running and slumped to the ground. A strangled sob tore from my throat and all the pain and emptiness I fought against rushed in and filled me like a cup in an ocean. It was overwhelming and I stayed there on the ground, sobs shaking my whole body, until the sun was high overhead. Habit told me it was time to turn back, but I didn’t care.

_There’s no point in going back._

_They’re better off without me._

               Before I even knew what I was doing, I was standing up and fumbling for a foothold in the walls. I found one and began to climb higher and higher until I found a small landing, just big enough for me to stand on. I stared down the wall from my perch and the ground disappeared in a blur as more tears flooded my eyes.

_No one cares._

_I’m nothing._

_I’ll never be free._

_I should just…_

_I should just…_

_I should just…_

               “Jump.” I whispered to myself before I stepped off the ledge and plummeted down to the stone below. The strangest thing happened as soon as I stepped off the ledge. Suddenly, I thought of Alby and how devastated he would be at my death. I thought of Lizzy and my parents, whoever they were, and how they might be at least a little torn up that I died. I thought about Minho and how I’d never hear another stupid joke or make him feel better when he got sad at night, I thought of The Glade and how the sun would crest over the walls every morning and how it was simply marvelous to behold. It sounds foolish, but I thought of those bloody grapes and how I would never get to see if the plants were strong enough to survive.

_I wasn’t strong enough to survive._

               All at once there was a loud thud, accompanied by snapping and blinding pain as I collided with the solid stone floor of the Maze. Then there was nothing.

 

               I could hear a distant shout and footsteps approach.

_This is it._

               The footsteps got closer and were accompanied by someone frantically speaking.

_I’m dead._

               Whoever was speaking knelt beside my head, but I still couldn’t make out their words.

_Am I dead?_

               The person moved towards my legs and jerked up my pant leg roughly.

_Oh God, I’m not dead!_

               My eyes shot open and a scream tore from my chest as my leg exploded in pain anew. Suddenly every sense I had was hyper aware and I could make sense of what was being said.

               “Newt, you shuckin’ shank!” Minho shouted at me when I came to.

               “Don’t touch it!” I shouted back, pain lacing my words. “Just…don’t touch it.”

               “What the hell happened?!” Minho demanded as he moved back towards my face and eased me up to sitting. His eyes scanned my tear stained face, likely noting my red puffy eyes, before looking up the wall until he finally spotted the ledge. His face fell as he pieced it all together and turned his gaze back to me.

               “I’m sorry.” I croaked out, feeling guilty for what I’d done. "Just leave me."

               “Not a shucking chance, Newt.” Minho said before he heaved me up and threw my arm over his shoulder, supporting most of my weight.

               “Minho, just leave me.” I groaned. “You’re not fast enough to make it back.”

               “No, _you’re_ not fast enough to make it back. _I_ have plenty of time to get _both_ of us back.” He argued before beginning to sprint back towards the exit.

               “Minho, I’m sorry.” I wheezed, trying to stay awake through the pain and keep up with my less injured leg. “I’m so sorry, Min. I don’t want to die.”

               “I know, man. I know. Just stay awake, we’re almost there.” He said. I could hear the emotion and the worry in his voice. “Just stay awake, Newt.”

               I could hear the clamor of the other boys as they saw us making our way towards them. We crossed the threshold just as my leg finally gave out and I sagged heavy against Minho, causing him to stumble. As we fell to the dirt, I was again blinded by the intense pain shooting through my leg, but I managed to hang onto Minho’s shirt long enough to groan one final thing in his ear.

               “Please,” I begged through the pain. “Please don’t tell them.”

                “I won’t tell. I promise.” Minho assured me quietly before turning towards Alby, who was demanding answers. I didn’t hear anything else as I finally slipped into a dreamless sleep.

 

                It was months later when I could finally leave the Med-Jack hut with the help of a sturdy walking stick that Alby found, and Gally carved to smoothness, and a brace that Clint fashioned out of materials that got sent up in the lift. I blinked against the bright light until my eyes adjusted and took a deep breath of fresh air. Everything looked brighter and smelled fresher than I could ever recall it being. I hobbled slowly towards the Gardens to see if I could help at all, but the others had just knocked off for lunch when I arrived. Alby made his way over from the Slicer’s and smiled gently as he closed the distance between us.

                “Newt.” He said as he wrapped me in a tight hug. “I’m so glad you’re out and about. I was worried about you.” He stepped back and looked at me, his eyes searching my face for confirmation of the questions he had. He seemed to confirm his suspicions with a small nod before breaking into his warm and friendly smile again.

                “Come on, I have something to show you.” Alby said before leading me back towards the now stable trellis. Over the months of my recovery, Gally had managed to build a trellis and Alby directed my gaze to two of the plants growing strong and healthy on the wood. I looked from the plants to Alby and back in disbelief for a moment.

                “Are these-?”

                “The grape plants you saved before your accident? Yes. They survived.”

 

                _They survived._

_I survived._

A genuine laugh bubbled up from my chest and out of my mouth as I reached my hand out and gently ran my fingers over the grape leaves.

                “Bloody hell.” I breathed in amazement. “Bloody shucking hell.”


End file.
